Sex, well that was interesting when i was dating a epileptic who would have seizures on top of me sometimes and basically freak me out so bad. But that was an interesting time, i basically got to play doctor all the time. It was really hard to see someone you thought you loved fall to the ground and get hurt again and again. No meds would help him it seemed and every time they changed his medicine his personality changed. It was like trying to get to know someone again after they had brain surgery and woke up a new person. How do i know that it was like that? Well thats exactly what happened, he had brain surgery because he had 3 tumors on his brain, they removed two, and also the part of him that loved me. To a fifteen year old going through that is just too much stress to handle so after 16 months it was over. That was my first experience with true heartbreak.
High school, well i hated it, always teased and picked on but i should of been used to it by then. I was always the kid in grammar school to be in the nurses office at least once a day because just like the movies where the kids play dodgeball and theres only one kid they go for...well that was what my life was, everyday. But in high school i tried to fit in with everyone, even though i was pretty much a quiet loner girl i found some people to hang out with for a few weeks and then went on to the next group. I never hung out with the cheerleaders or preppy kids though, do you really think that they would just let anyone in, no of course not they were way too cool. The rumor had it that in this town the preppy, jock types where into having tons of parties and snorting cocaine. Was it true? I'm not sure, didnt have the pleasure to find out. But i did get to hang out with the stoners. The first time i smoked pot was in this kids basement as his parents were upstairs, granted i was already smoking cigarettes by then so i took a normal drag. I instantly started coughing and this kid shoved his whole hand into my mouth to keep me quiet, that wasn't very fun when i already couldnt breathe. That lasted for a little while the whole pot thing but i found other people and did it whenever i could get my hands on it. Basically i fucked up my ACTs thats for sure. It was a great thing to try that out my junior year, right?
I always wanted to be just like Amy Lee from Evanescence. I thought i could sing and was in chorus for many years, some people i sang to just alone in my car said i gave them the chills but thats probably because they would say anything to get into my pants. My parents told me that i should try a different career because i wasnt that good, well thank you for taking my dreams away. They tried to brain wash me into being a doctor or a lawyer but now they think that im too emotional and fucked up. Well that might be true but its because i had no one to lean on, thank you mom and dad.
I used to be a mall rat, not to the rats that would run out of pay half at chicago ridge mall. Just a kid that hung out with other kids at the mall playing Dance Dance Revolution for hours and hours on end trying to beat one another's high scores. Then after the mall closed we would hang out under this bridge till we found some random person to get home or we would crash at someones house for the night. We would drink, smoke, tons of stuff and part of me wondered how i would get home since i lived at least 5 miles away and i was only 15-16 at the time. Now that i look back i dont even know how i did get home half the time. But anyways i got my first job because i was a mall rat, at cinnabon, where my manager smoked pot in the bathroom in the back and left me alone for hours on my first day and pretty much every day i worked with him.
How many people have i dated? well wow that a good question i used to write them down but i ran out of room...none last very long, it was basically lust for the other person and me just being stupid. When i was 17 i was dating a 25 year old until i realized he was more childish than me and i cheated on him, told my best friend and they have been dating ever since. I had really great friends back then i know. And i guess i had a thing where i would date a guy and then date his friend and him again and then his friend again. They are still good friends from what i hear but i dont talk to them or see them ever which is always good. Then i dated my friend that i had known since i was four years old, it didnt last long but i wanted to be perfect for him, i changed my interests and fit myself into his life. My friends were his friends and i felt great for once in my life, he was the one that got me into cigarettes. When he decided we were over he put me on speaker phone and passed his phone to all the people who i thought cared about me and they all told me that they hated me and never really liked me. I sat in my room in shock i had no one to go to, not my parents, no other friends. He got me into the worst depression i ever was in when he left. Anorexia and self mutilation because there was no explanation he was just gone, and i felt like i wanted to die. After him i liked one of his friends that talked to me after a while and i kissed him, he told me i was moving too fast so i slowed down, meanwhile he sped up. The next time i saw him he wanted me to walk him to his back door so he could say goodbye. i did and he sat me down and kissed me and took of my pants and tried something. I freaked out and ran, i told everyone he tried to rape me and after that i never heard from him again.
But there has always been this one guy who has stuck around, and im still with him after years. We tried dating at first and i just didnt feel anything for him other than friendship but i loved to tease him by sitting on his lap in the mornings before school, he loved me from the start everyone told me he did. so i gave him another chance, we were good in the beginning and i actually started to feel something for him. I broke his heart and cheated on him when i went to a concert and my friend talked me into finding a boyfriend for the day because he wasnt with me. Yes, i know another great friend, and some people i knew where there, granted i wasnt friends with them but they felt the need to take a picture of me and the other guy and send it to his phone...i felt like everyone was out to get me all my life but this time it was bad. Some how he forgave me and we moved on. He left to school in Milwaukee and i was alone once again i begged him to come home every weekend but he just didn't have the money. When he came home i dropped everything to be with him. We fought a lot though and once he wanted to take a whole bottle of aspirin to try to kill himself because i was killing him, making him feel guilty that he wasn't home. So the stress of me and schoolwork pilling up made him come home for good. At the time i was working at Target and i liked this one guy i worked with and he liked me, during the time that me and James were on a break because i was just too much to handle, i got pregnant. I was only 20 years old counting the days till i turned 21. I wanted to go away to college and drink and have no worries, i could of had a perfect getaway but now i knew i had responsibility. That was something i never wanted, i never wanted to grow up. i was a partier doing keg stands at my friends parties. I knew though that i had to change, maybe i could have my own little family and escape the life i once had. When i was about 3-4 months pregnant me and the father spilt up. He wanted to give me everything, a house a new life but i knew i didnt want to be with him. His future for me and our unborn son was too picture perfect, i had used him and i walked away. I went back to the other guy who never stopped loving me but was still heartbroken and now even more so that i was having another mans baby. Through it all he was by my side though, holding my hair back when i got sick most of the time anyways, and he said everything would be ok. so i moved in with him and his mom. I slept on the couch when i was 7-9 months pregnant, not the most comfortable thing but i was better off here than my house. My house had my parents, my 16 year old sister who just had a baby herself so there was no room for me and i wasnt wanted anyways. They only needed me to watch over my crazy old grandmother because her care givers all quit because she tried to stab them with forks and basically beat them up when she was told to do something.
When my son was born it was the most painful experience of my life, it seemed to last forever, first off he was late by a week and then he took 23 hours to get out. my boyfriend was there holding my hand and when we saw that beautiful baby boy we had a real family. Nathans real father never showed up, he had lied to me too many times about his life, how he disappeared for months and i was just done with his bullshit and everyone elses. Nothing could get me down now, i found a had an actual purpose in my life, to be a mother. I had no idea how hard it would be though. The first fews months were horrible he would wake up every two hours and i had to run down the stairs and get him a bottle. I had to move back to my parents house after he was born because the house was not ready for a baby and because of the cat and the dog we didnt think it was a good idea. So i had no help, my mom and dad only helped when i was so tired that i never even heard the crying baby right next to me because i was so exhausted. And by help i mean wake me up so i could take care of him, and then yell at me because it was all my fault they didnt get enough sleep. when he was 2-3 months old i moved back in with my boyfriend and his mom. They helped me the best they could with laundry and making bottles, i dont think i would of made it if i didnt have them.
Even though me and my boyfriend still fight its a lot better than being a home with abusive parents and my abusive sister. I still have flashbacks of when i was 8 months pregnant and my sister pushing me to the ground and standing over me hitting me, and me throwing her into our christmas tree sending both to the floor. I called the cops only to get my crazy mother to come upstairs to hit me more because i called the cops because i didnt feel safe there. Thank god me and my son were ok, i just cant get their words out of my head, saying that they hoped my son was dead inside of me. I never wanted to see their faces again.
Now that my son is almost 9 months old, im 21 working at a grocery store getting crappy hours instead of my 35-40 at Target and I'm now working with the guy that i said tried to rape me back in high school. (now we are ok and i am forgiven) This isn't exactly where i thought i would be in life, just finishing my two years at a community college and not being able to go away but i wouldnt trade my son for the world. Even though i get stressed because i cant go out at night and experience binge drinking and being like everyone else im happy most of the time. I know that i will always have someone even if me and boyfriend fight and i move out and all that, i still have a beautiful son to need and want me. Thats all i ever wanted my whole life, to feel like i have a reason to still be alive and its him. Everything i do is for him. My World.
