old xanga shittt

"The little girl" written by : Jen Jeka
For: Sarah Haynes
There's a girl that everyone knowsor at least the think they doshe puts on an act,pretends everything is ok.
When it's no where closeThere's many things bottled up insideThat she would never tell anyone until she diesshe tries to hide
everything from everyonehoping that all the pain will be goneShe has people who want to knowBut i'm afraid she'll never show
and keep it all insidewith all the tears that she criedShe needs someone to listeninstead of everyone bitchin
She needs a place to get awayand maybe then she'd stayalways on the movewith her old beat up gym shoes
She deserves so much betterso why don't you let hershe doesn't need this shitshe's always getting hit
She needs to be treated rightand not have to put up a fightall she needs is some love,a little hug from above.
She needs to know that life is worth fighting forthen thinking it's just a boreSpending all day in a place she calls "home"She wonders when she'll not be so alone

soundtrack to my life
Opening credits - hello, i love you - the doors

Waking up - make a move - lost prophets

Average day - breakaway - kelly clarkson

Date - first date- blink 182

Love scene - my girl- the temptations

Breaking up - i miss you - Blink 182

Life's okay - Mr. Brightside- the killers

Driving - la la- ashlee simpson

Friends hanging out - somebody told me- the killers

Night time - helena -My chemical romance

Really really depressed sitting in your room - i'm not ok (i promise) - My Chemical Romance

Learning a lesson - change my mind- puddle of mudd

Deep thought - change your mind - the killers

Flashback - Perfect - simple plan

Partying - swing, swing- all american rejects

Happy dance - cold hard bitch - jet

Regreting - i'd do anything - simple plan

Long night alone - don't leave me - all american rejects

Depression - when i'm gone - 3 doors down

You wanna kill yourself - my last breath - evanescence

Death scene - anthem of our dying day - story of the year

Closing credits - one more sad song - All american rejects

wow my music taste was so limited then...lol from 2005

http://www.xanga.com/INeedSomeoneToSaveMe?nextdate=2%2f15%2f2005+0%3a6%3a56.333&direction=n

we were soo in love.

http://www.queendom.com/tests/index.html
Snapshot Report
Self-report ComponentSubscale IQ score = 76Subscale percentile = 6
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IQ score = 76 (Percentile = 6)-->
76-->
According to your self-report answers, your emotional intelligence is very poor. People who score like you do feel that they have trouble dealing with their own emotions and those of others. They struggle to overcome difficulties in their lives and they are unable to control their moods. It’s hard for them to understand how best to motivate themselves and reach their goals. In addition, they find social interactions quite difficult, for several reasons. They may have trouble allowing themselves to get close with others, finding it difficult to be vulnerable enough to establish intimacy. They also report having trouble offering support to others, likely due to the fact that they do not understand where others are coming from or they lack ideas about how best to help. Perhaps by working on your problem areas, you can become more confident in dealing with your own emotions and those of others.

January 31st, 2005

i cried last night..... i have really no idea why i was just lying there trying to sleep and i just thought about steve and then i thought about love and who i really honestly loved in my life and i remembered my grandpa and how i thought he was the only one that understood me and how much i miss him...he died... i remember that i would always play one-on-one basketball with him in the backyard of my grandparent's house and there was a basketball net on the garage and when other people came over we played 2 on 2 but i always was with grandpa and i remember i was too short to shot it so he would pick me up and he would let me put it in no one complained cuz they knew i was little and i was happy...then i remembered when i got older that one day i came over to there house and he was watching the sox game as usual and i sat next to him and i asked him what the score was and he would tell me and i would sit in his lap then and watch the whole game with him....then i remembered one time when me and him were sitting down on the long green couch in the frontroom and i was trying to teach my grandpa how to whistle and at that time i could, he never learned but he tried....he tried for me but he couldn't do it....my one and only thought when i got my braces on and they said that they were going to fix my 2 front teeth so they would be a little closer together all i thought was i hope i can still whistle cuz that's the only thing i had to really remember my grandpa by...another memory was when i was eating dinner there, i wanted to try tomato soup cuz i liked tomatoes so i thought it would be good but it wasn't, i hated it but my grandma said i had to stay there till i finished it and my grandpa was in the room and my grandma left the room and i was like do i really have to eat this and he laughed and he said no pour it down the sink and i did and i made it look like i ate it and my grandpa lied to my grandma for me cuz i heard her ask him if i really ate it and he said yea....my grandpa was the coolest....the other memory i had was when my grandpa i think had a heart attack or something and he was in the hospital and me, my mom, and my sister went to go see him and we were there for a while and then we had to go everyone hugged him and i hugged him last but extra long and i remember him whispering in my ear that he loved me and he always will and i said I love you 2 grandpa and we left...i don't remember where we had to go, i think i had dance class or something but i remember my grandma leaving a message on the answering machine when we got home and it said that my grandpa had died about 5 minutes after we had gone....he didn't want to die in front of me i guess....looking back i wish he had....he died when i was little idr how old anymore and i'm too scared to ask my mom when he died cuz it makes her cry everytime i say anything about him...i was about 6 or 7 i think but I remember like it was yesterday....i miss my best friend....my grandpa....
so hold me when i'm here, love me when i'm wrong, hold me when i'm scared, your the one who will always be there so, love me when i'm gone...

i want a boy that will stay with me for always
He'll give me his favorite sweatshirt
He'll.call.me.at.3am.and.ask.me.what.i'm.doing.
He'll tell me he couldn't fall asleep because he was thinking about me, and he needed to hear my voice
He cant walk next to me without holding my hand
And he always whispers something sweet in my ear
He'll take me to a concert to see his favorite band
And he wont get embarrassed to tell me he loves me in front of his friends
When I cryhe'll tell me I'm too beautiful to and he'll kissevery tear
He'll always make me feel better because he knows theperfect thingsto say to me
All of his friends will know we're in love because he'll talk about me to them
When we're walking together he'll stop and pick up a flower and put it behind my ear
He'll tell me I'm a princess
And treat me like one too
He'll loveeverything about me and tell me that I'm perfect
We wont get mad formaking fun of each other because wecrack upat every bit of it
Even if we're a million years old, butterflies will still go crazyinside of me
Every time hekisses me
He'll tell me he'd diewithout me
He'llsurpriseme by bringing me over my favorite food when I'm having a bad day
When we go out for ice cream, he'll put some on my nose, then I'll put some all over his face
And we just neverstop laughing
He's interested in everything I say, and he always cares about it
He'll buy me jewelry and bouncy balls from vending machines
He wont stop playing until he's won me a stuffed animal
He'll take walks with me in the snow, and we'll catch TsnowflakesT on our tongues

Every time I even hear his name, it takes my breath away
And when I hear him speak, I'llfall in love all over again
He'll pay for me all the time even though I never want him to but I can never win
But with him I could never lose either
Because everything about him is just so wonderful
Perfect...
I'll be his everything
And he'll be even more to me
He will love me for always

filthofthisworld (11:51:39 PM): if you did then why do we love you so much?Urlacher542004b (11:51:48 PM): idk...

Urlacher542004b (11:51:53 PM): y do u?

filthofthisworld (11:52:17 PM): because you help me through my problems not cause them

Urlacher542004b (11:53:09 PM): thanx paul
filthofthisworld (11:53:35 PM): np

Urlacher542004b (11:53:51 PM): idk what i would do with out youfilthofthisworld (11:54:18 PM): i don't know what i'd do without me either o.o;

Urlacher542004b (11:54:27 PM): lol paul

filthofthisworld (11:54:38 PM): oh yeah..i know, im great

Urlacher542004b (11:54:44 PM): yea lol u r

filthofthisworld (11:54:55 PM): lol

i miss paul carmody <3

The Soundtrack of My Life

The Soundtrack of my life
By: Jen Jeka




This story will be the story of my life and after every chapter there will be a song list that I consider a part of the soundtrack of my life. I’m going to make the C.D. and it will most likely be an mp3 C.D. full of tons of songs but we’ll see what happens.







Dedicated to Larry
“Don’t ever think that you didn’t do anything for me because you made me strong; strong enough to write this all down and show people my true feelings. Without your push I wouldn’t be this great and determined to help the helpless.”





I always thought that the world stopped for me. That people would bend to my every need and cater to my every want. Let me tell you I learned that one the hard way, you never get your way 100% of the time. I always had my head in the clouds and wanted everything to be a fairy tale. I was a little girl naïve enough to believe that I would be a princess and a prince would rescue me from my wicked parents but I’ll tell you about that later on. Now I’ve realized life is nothing like that at all. One-day reality slapped me in the face, well actually it was about to, but my alarm clock woke me up just before it had the chance.
1. Cold- Stupid Girl


He was just sitting there in the library starting out the window, like come on don’t teachers do anything fun during their prep period? I don’t know just watching him made me think wow, do teachers really only live for just teaching? When I was little I actually thought the teachers lived at the school in hidden rooms behind the chalkboards or in the ceiling there was a ladder that would come down so they could go up there after school. But this man, this teacher, always tried to be funny in his classroom and he could probably tell that the laughs he got in return were all but sympathy. He was really just a lonely old man who to the kids in his class that didn’t respect him, had lost his charm. I could picture him in the old days when he was a new teacher that he must have been a really great guy and people used to look forward to going to his class, but not now. Kids never took his class seriously and made fun of him behind his back. And if they could I bet they would probably spitting spitballs at him. All of this made me think, why do teachers really like teaching kids that do not want to learn in the first place? It just seems like constant heartbreak to me. I wish that I could talk to him sometimes and tell him that he is a good teacher, I mean yes I take the indicative to read the book to actually learn because his teaching style kind of bugs me. But I mean I feel for him, and as I watched him just sitting there though I just could see all the fun times he used to have and knowing that he won’t have much more of those times ahead. It was like I was mourning for this man that wasn’t even dead. But that’s what I do; I mourn for people’s innocence and memories. But anyways this story is not about my old high school math teacher, god knows that would be boring.
1. System of a Down- “Lonely Day”
2. Avril Lavigne- “Innocence”

This is a story about a lot of things really, just what goes on in my mind everyday and things from the non-stop movies I watch because; well I’ll be honest, I don’t get out much anymore these days. I guess this is just something for me to find, me. As I’m “living” my life, it is almost as if I have a soundtrack to my life everywhere I go, no matter what happens to me. My life revolves around music and it can express what someone feels and what someone needs. Those fools thinking that all they need is love, all they need to do is put some headphones on and listen to music. Music equals love to me, and music is all I need. The thing is so much into lyrics of songs and if I know anything about someone I can most likely make a soundtrack of their life for them.
1. Family Force 5- “Love Addict”
2. Mayday Parade- “The Last Something The Meant Anything”

When you see someone in the middle of a crowd surrounded by tons their friends are they really happy? I mean the loners always wanted to be popular but did the popular kids ever want to be a loner instead? Yea I think some do. Just like how some famous people don’t want to be famous after all the cameras are shoved in their face and following them around. They drink to fit in, have sex with people they don’t even like just to up their social status and do anything and everything to be in the publics eye.
1. Puddle of Mudd- “Famous”
2. Incubus- “Here in my room”

I always wanted to live in a tragedy and I think that’s exactly how my life has been turning out, without that usual happy ending at the end. I mean at first I was always the girl that was “just one of the guys” and I loved it, don’t get me wrong, but I was lonely most of the time. Up until recently I matured and broke out of my “tom-boy” phase and grew up, for the most part. I figured I would be ok, and now that they could tell I’m actually a girl and maybe, just maybe one of them would actually like to date me. But as I said before my life is a tragedy… A few guys started to notice me though but they never stayed around long, they always want the really girly ones for some reason, never the ones that they actually had things in common with. I mean once I said anything about wanting to play videogames or that I could beat them at any sport, they would say that, “Hey I think we should just be friends.” So I decided to be girlier but I learned I would always be who I am, and I can never change that I would still do anything for love.
1. Daughtry- “What About Now?”
2. Finger Eleven “One Thing”


This one boy loved me once though and he promised me forever and all the things that go along with that. For example he told me that we would get married and have babies and grow old together one day. Me thinking wow he might actually be The One, but of course wasn’t. He had broken my heart and for once I got over it. The thing with me is I’m so obsessed with the idea of love that I get caught in it and wrapped around in the idea. I’ve fallen in love with the word “Love.” I honestly don’t think anyone knows what love actually is, I thought I did but with each and every person that you choose you find the next guy treats you better and better for the most part. Even if you look up “love” on Wikipedia.com it says that love is just a chemical reaction in your brain, nothing really more. So who really knows when to stop looking for The One and when to just settle? {I lost a piece of me in you, I think I left it in your arms, I forget the reasons, I got scared, but remembered that I cared quite a lot.} I honestly don’t know where your heart went, my love never died for you it only got stronger, but your feelings faded. I don't understand how could you just forget what we had? “All because of you I haven’t slept in so long, when I do I dream of drowning in the ocean, longing for the shore where I can lay my head down. I'll follow your voice all you have to do is shout it out.” I would have followed him anywhere; I was set on being with him forever but he broke my heart, over and over again. I don’t have any idea why I still have hope to be with him again. Love is funny that way I guess.
1. Blink 182- “Feeling This”
2. Bonnie Raitt- “I can’t make you love me”
3. The Veronicas- “When it all falls apart.”
4. Three Days Grace- “Never Too Late”
5. Rise Against – “The Good Left Undone”
6. Whitesnake- “Here I go Again”
7. Rooney- “When Did Your Heart Go Missing?”
8. Theory of a Deadman- “Make Up Your Mind”

I believe in thing unseen and I think I can see into the future somewhat. Maybe its just intuition but who knows. I can see things before they happen but I never wanted to believe it. You might think I’m insane and hey I probably am but I mean I always loved the movie Matilda and The Harry Potter stories because they were treated badly but they had good things happen to them. Matilda got a new start with a new mom and got taken away from her unloving family. And then in Harry Potter he was treated like crap and had to live in a closet under the stairs his whole life until he was eleven and got told he was a wizard and got brought to Hogwarts and was famous. I always pictured myself getting taken away and having magical powers and everything.

I’ve done a lot of risky stuff in my life, had someone very graphic things happen to me at a very young age that eventually corrupted my mind. I lost my childhood at fourteen year old to someone I thought I loved. At the time it felt right but now I wish I would have waited. I used to steal stuff all the time from Hot Topic and Spencer’s and numerous other stores for fun. I was a mall-rat and I got around pretty well. From hanging out underneath the bridge by Chicago Ridge mall where homeless lived making fires to keep warm, staying up until the early mornings, walking miles away from home to never thinking I’ll see home again but somehow I always wound up again at my front door, sooner or later. My parents called the cops once to try to find my after that they gave up. I learned to dodge the cops anyways because of curfew. And I also can talk myself pretty much out of anything and everything if I had to but that’s all thanks to an ex-boyfriend who always lied and cheated on pretty much all of his girlfriends including me, he played so many mind games that my head was spinning. But i guess i must have picked up some of his traits. I learned never to trust anyone because of him and to always cover my back. I would find anything and everything to get out of my house. I’ve slept in cars and random people’s apartments, passed out from drugs or alcohol not knowing where I was or how I got there. I’ve made out with more people than I can remember. Hooked up with girls just to turn people on. Given head more times than I can count. My life was a downward spiral each and everyday full of abuse, drugs, sex, and even more abuse. I used to do this in all sorts of weather too, from 105 degrees to –10 degrees. I’m honestly surprised I’m still alive because of everything. Getting high and cutting yourself and drowning your tears in alcohol almost every night isn’t the best way to go to sleep. I'm a better person now, and I’ve changed so much but that isn't good enough for people. They don't really know how far I have come in life, from how bad I was till now. I can’t change in one day and in fact I’m sick of changing. I want to live my life with one personality and to just be me for once. Even though I’m still trying to find out who I really am. Just give me some time ok?
1. Seether- “Love her”

I’ve done drugs, smoked cigarettes for two years, and drank when I was only fifteen, well maybe the drugs when I turned sixteen but still. I found that I’ve only done this to be accepted and to fit in for the most part. I always did that; I always wanted to be popular. But there are so much more important things in life; I guess I only just wanted someone that never left me. All my friends that I ever got close to always moved and forget about me. Only one, my very best friend still talks to me but she lives 45 miles away and we only text each other and never call.
1. Blue October- X Amount of Words

I thought of myself as so weak and powerless and I thought I never would achieve what I wanted to, but now I know I have choices and you better believe I will pick the best choice for me. I was always hurt so much and I would beat myself up about everything so much that I broke myself down into almost nothing. When someone would break my heart I thought I was going to die and that I could never go on. I always thought I needed another person to comfort me, but I was wrong. Lyrics comfort me so much more than anyone ever could. “And where crying isn’t secret, it’s the arts of how we grieve, and lessons are the key to every goal I will achieve, I will achieve.”
1. Blue October- “Drilled A Wire Through My Cheek”
2. A Perfect Circle- “Weak and Powerless”
3. Matchbox Twenty- “Unwell”
4. Mudvayne –“Determined”
5. Papa Roach- “Not Listening”

I was abused at a very young age; I honestly can’t remember when it started. It was sometime after my sisters birth. Maybe it was because my dad always seemed to have alcohol on his breath whenever he came home. DCFS almost came and took my away for numerous bruises on my body and after they left he hit me again and broke my finger and told me to never call them again, when I wasn’t the one that called in the first place. All I wanted to do is have a good life and a loving family that supposed me but I never got that and I still don’t have that. Maybe if they listen to the numerous therapists saying that my self-mutilation was all their fault everything would be ok.
1. Mudvayne- “Happy?”

I love to be in the car with someone else driving or course and not going anywhere in particular as long as I’m in control of the music. Or even just a destination so far away that I can just roll down the windows and let my hair fly everywhere blasting music. I think I could die like that, I mean just picture it a warm summer day with the soundtrack of your life playing and dying in a peaceful death, just going to sleep to the sound of your life fading as the last song ends…
1. Blue October- Into the Ocean


“I’ll try to sleep, and when I do I’ll keep you in my dreams.”

There was one other person that “loved” me. The one that stringed me on and used me before the one I previously mentioned. This one promised me he would marry me and that we would have two houses, one on the lake and one in the middle of the city, for my bi-polar tendencies. He promised to have kids with me and he even had a name for if we had a baby girl, Pandora.
1. Kelly Clarkson –“Never Again”
2. Family Force 5- “Replace Me”
3. Theory of a Deadman- “Better Off”
4. Cute is What Aim For- “Newport Living”

One of my teachers weren’t like the others though, I mean I still thought he didn’t have much of a life but I mean at least I saw him outside of school before. He taught me to find the truth in life, to question it. He has had a huge impact on my life. He lives for teaching and makes it exciting. He uses pure knowledge and makes us state our beliefs to help us find what we believe in, to understand ourselves better.
1. John Mayer-“Waiting on the World to Change”

I always pierced myself to get rid of the pain I feel in life, After I got over the self-mutilation of cutting myself I did it to still feel alive, to know that I can feel pain inside and out. I have twenty piercings right now and I imagine myself getting tons more. I’m the most pierced person at my school and in a way I’m proud of that, only because I am the most of something. Self-mutation was an art for me and so is piercing myself. It’s just a more social acceptable form of self-mutation.

I get so committed to things and I get so excited about the things I’m committed to but then it fades just like my relationships to people, maybe that’s why I get bored and always want something more. I feel that if I were a dog I would be whimpering too, that’s just how my life is right now. I long for attention and to feel loved. I feel as cold as the world around me I’m just a cigarette butt that has been tossed away and forgotten about. I’m just a hallucination to a stoner…I’m not really here.